Self-Help
- Power
Miracle Drug
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004
I wanna trip inside your head
Spend the day there
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see
I wanna hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all
I wanna see your thoughts take shape and work right out
Self – Counseling Project
1. Write down your thoughts or self-talk at this very moment?
2. What are the key themes in your mind before you go to bed?
3. Do you have any thoughts or emotions that make you embarrassed or ashamed of yourself?
4. What “scenes” do you see when you close your eyes?
5. What is your heart trying to say to your head?
6. Are you listening to its message?
7. How do you define the message and meaning of silence?
8. Would you like to make your thoughts part of your everyday reality?
9. Are your thoughts, emotions and relationships in harmony?
10. Would you like to enjoy a symphonic life?- Interdependency
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004
Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Self-Counseling Project
1. Is complete independency a goal worth fighting for?
2. Are human beings supposed to become achievement islands?
3. Can we expect to be heard if we don’t listen to others?
4. Can we trust any religious or government institution with nothing to learn from others?
5. How can we help people who feel they don’t need anybody for support and feedback?
6. Should we apply these principles to war, politics and governments?
7. Is self-sufficiency and isolation a form of self-deception?
8. Is self-sufficiency and isolation a form of insanity?- Peacemaking
Love And Peace Or Else
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004
Lay it down
Lay down your guns
All you daughters of Zion
All your Abraham's sons
I don't know if I can take it
I'm not easy on my knees
It's my heart that you're breaking
We need some release, release, release
We need love and peace
Love and peace
Uh huh
Self-Counseling Project
1. Can Love & Peace be achieved through violence?
2. Can Religious views become weapons of intolerance and hatred?
3. Could apocalyptic literature be misused to invite wars and cause divisions?
4. How do you experience the teachings of Daniel & Revelation?
5. Are they a Bridge over Trouble Waters?
6. Are they a source of stress, anxiety and panic?
7. Where were you in the morning of 9/11?
8. Is there any hole in your heart coming from the hole caused by the disappearance of the Towers and their 3000+ family members?
9. How have you attempted to fix this hole?
10. Is it working?.
11. What are your thoughts on Bono’s prayer: Keep us from becoming a monster as we fight against monsters?- Freedom in Truth
The Fly
Achtung Baby, 1991
It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest.
It's no secret ambition bites the nails of success.
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief;
All kill their inspiration and sing about the grief.
Self – Counseling Project
1. Is there a place in life for secrets?
2. When is appropriate to keep a secret?
3. What are the benefits of preserving a secret?
4. Can secrecy become a form of emotional bondage?
5. Is truth-avoidance a strategy for peace in relationships?
6. Is truth-avoidance a pathway to future crisis in a relationship?
7. Is denial a survival strategy?
8. Is confession a form of emotional manipulation?
9. Are punishment and forgiveness mutually exclusive?
10. Should forgiveness granted imply reconciliation?
11. Should the individual conscience be the final judge on personal and moral matters?
12. Should true religious community and governments honor the inherent right of conscience freedom?
13. Should we cultivate a distinction between individual or personal ethics and social ethics?
14. Is it wise to expect that personal morality views would become the law of the land in a diverse society?
15. Are the wounds of truth telling sweeter than the kisses of denial?
16. The impressionistic picture of Revelation 13 portrays a Lamb who was slain from the beginning of the world in opposition to a Beast who becomes an object of universal worship through Lamb-like features and decrees. What this picture is trying to tell us?
I saw another Beast rising out of the ground. It had two horns like a lamb but sounded like a dragon when it spoke. It was a puppet of the first Beast, made earth and everyone in it worship the first Beast, which had been healed of its deathblow.
This second Beast worked magical signs, dazzling people by making fire come down from Heaven. It used the magic it got from the Beast to dupe earth dwellers, getting them to make an image of the Beast that received the deathblow and lived.
It was able to animate the image of the Beast so that it talked, and then arrange that anyone not worshiping the Beast would be killed. It forced all people, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to have a mark on the right hand or forehead. Without the mark of the name of the Beast or the number of its name, it was impossible to buy or sell anything.
Solve a riddle: Put your heads together and figure out the meaning of the number of the Beast. It’s a human number: six hundred sixty-six. Revelation 13: 11-18
17. Could this riddle of a human number (666) signify a deceptive but close to perfection forgery of truth?
18. If the number 7 equals perfection in the Scriptures could the 666 Beast strive to speak and act as the Lamb while driven by the Dragon?
19. Can true religion whether Muslin, Christian or Jewish force “conversion” through coercive means?
20. Can we impose self-transformation through self-imposed values without respect for our true desires, convictions and will?
21. Were Piaget and his followers right in developing a theory of moral development in which the decision making motivational structure (moral judgment) is as important as the decisions themselves?- Release
Kite
All That You Can't Leave Behind, 2000
Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to know what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
Self- Counseling Project
1. Do you agree with the view that personal wholeness is also dependent on our responses to our emotional and relational losses?
2. Have you experienced a significant loss?
3. Can you se the meaning proximity between loss and grief?
4. How should we differentiate good and bad responses to a loss?
5. Is there such a thing as healthy grief?
6. If yes what could be considered good or healthy grief as opposed to a bad/unhealthy experience of loss?
7. Could the circumstances surrounding the loss play a role in our response to it?
8. Would you accept the following experiences as intensifying grief factors?
A. Betrayal
B. Deception
C. Conspiracy
D. Spiritual Exploitation
E. Manipulation
9. Is there a point of acceptance of a loss as an inevitable step?
10. How would you define that point?
11. Is Release a key to emotional freedom?
12. Can grief become a form of bondage?
13. Is the lyric of Kite helpful to a healthy experience of loss?- Stuck
Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of
All That You Can't Leave Behind, 2000
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Self – Counseling Project
1. A great number of mental health professionals give a great value to the medical model, diagnostics and labels. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this approach?
2. Some therapists would rather avoid the pathology language and replace it by a descriptive language. For example, what some would label codependent others would describe as being stuck.
3. Which model would you prefer and why?
4. How do you respond to the portrayal of counseling as the liberation of one’s internal and external imprisonments?
5. Is stuck a form of imprisonment?
6. Identify forms of being stuck closer to your heart: Stuck in a. bad relationship, b. unhealthy family secrets and rules, c. oppressive religious systems, d. abusive work-related interactions, e. intrusive and unfair cultural traditions, f. addictive substances and sexual industry, g. stuck in fear, h. other.
7. Can you find yourself stuck in childhood labels and memories?
8. Is people pleasing and approval seeking versions of being stuck?
9. Are you harassed by the fear of being alone or abandoned?
10. Do you feel sometimes that you deserve punishment from others?
11. Do you feel sometimes that you should punish yourself?
12. Do you see yourself as unlovable?
13. Do you take a broad view of life and reality or a single factor view such as physical beauty?
And You Can’t Get Out of It?
“Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out of” (Bono & the Edge, 2000) appeared on the album All that You Can’t Leave Behind and eventually gained a place among the band’s all-time classics. “It’s a song about friendship,” explained Bono, U2’s lead singer, to a New York City concert audience, “It’s for our good friend Michael Hutchence” (Pancella, 2000).
Hutchence, a close friend of Bono’s, was about his age, owned a house close by, and was himself a band’s lead singer and global rock star. Their closeness was not simply generational, professional, or geographical. It must have been psychological as well; as Bono once said, “Perhaps if I hadn't found somebody as special as [my wife], or if I didn't have the friends or the faith I have, then maybe I'd be there with Michael” (Mohan, 2001). Michael had killed himself 2 years before at age 37, leaving behind his friend, his wife, and a small child. The song Bono wrote for him, whether a tribute or a response, is not one of sadness or celebration. As Bono would explain later, "The song is an argument. It's a row between mates. You're kind of trying to slap somebody around the face, trying to wake them up out of an idea. In my case it's a row that I didn't have while he was alive" (Reuters, 2000). The core of the song goes like this:
I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it.
(Bono & the Edge, 2000)
The lyrics capture the cry of a friend feeling bereft, powerless, angry, and perhaps guilty, while offering little helpful advice for a tormented soul contemplating suicide. A song might not be meant to be a psychology essay; however, looking at it psychologically, we find three interesting suggestions in that chorus: “You’ve got to get yourself together, you’ve got stuck in a moment, and you can’t get out of it.”
The first suggestion, implicit in the line “You’ve got to get yourself together,” is that stuckness has something to do with a broken self, a self in pieces. The second suggestion has to do with a feature of one place we can get stuck in. It is a “moment”—a suspended episode in the unfolding narrative of experience. I shall return to the similarity between these two statements and transactional analysis theory of impasses. The third suggestion, which may also ring familiar, is that stuckness is a bad place, somewhere to get out of. But is that always the case? Has it always been the case? And if it is not, when is it a bad place to be? When is it, on the contrary, a useful place? By Gianpiero Petriglieri- Bonding
A Man and A Woman
How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, 2004
I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
No I could never take a chance
‘Cos I could never understand
The mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman
Self - Counseling Project
1. How do we know the distinction between love and romance?
2. Are the following statements helpful to your answer to Q1?
- A fire bond is persistent, not transitory.
- A fire bond involves a particular person who is not interchangeable with anyone else.
- A Fire bond involves a relationship that is emotionally significant.
- The individual wishes to maintain proximity or contact with the person with whom he or she has romantic feelings.
- The individual feels sadness or distress at involuntary separation from the person.
3. Do you agree with the four expressions of love: Friendship, Erotic, Spiritual and Family love?
4. Are these expressions of love independent “compartments” in the brain or like the rainbow colors of the heart?
5. Is romantic love an essential component in the mysterious connection between a man and a woman?
6. Is the expression “falling in love” a vital element in sexual love affections?
7. Is friendship love a necessary stop station preceding passionate love?
8. Does passionate love a passive or active experience?
9. What are your views about sex designed for procreation only?
10. Should celibacy be allowed or mandatory for priests?
11. Can celibacy become an unnatural violation of human sexuality?
12. How can sexual intimacy be protected from relationship suffocation enmeshment and emotional bondage?
13. Are there any limits to transparency in relationships?
14. Is there any danger in using a love relationship as a counseling project?
15. Should the mysterious distance between a man and a woman be protected from the Confessionary Syndrome (the sharing of all personal secrets) Consider the following profile of rigidity:
- Rigid interactions create emotional bondage and dependency.
- Rigid emotional states create rigid interactions and undue self-control and control of others.
- Power Control is the absence of Freedom.
16. Can character development be achieved in violation of personal freedom?
17. Should obedience become synonymous or be replaced for desires of the heart?
18. Why victims of sexual violation or relationship betrayal be caution about engagement in new relationships without the Fresh Start Assurance?
Donald Joy in his book reports Desmond Morris's description of 12 steps to pair bonding. MDT is also indebted to Allan R. Handysides’ insights on bonding.
- The steps appear only in the sequence he describes.
- If steps are missed, the bond will be weak.
- Humans are intrinsically programmed for these steps.
A. Eye-to-Body
The "discovering" look: Eureka--just look at that! Such an amazing person exists! This is not a predatory sexual look. Even if a lifelong friend becomes a bonded mate, there will have been the moment of recognition that the person is special.
B. Eye-to-Eye
After an individual has focused on a person, the object of the attention becomes aware of the focus--a flush of self-consciousness, a quickening of the heartbeat.
Eye-to-eye contact is the hallmark of emotional energy exchange. Extended eye contact is not engaged in at this stage, as it indicates more than looking at the eyes - it is like peering into the soul.
C. Voice-to-Voice
Some use someone else's voice: Ask her what she thinks of me? Some use the phone--safe because she/he can't see them, only hear their voice. It permits vocal expression without too much exposure. Some have called this fascination from afar.
The next three stages (D, C, and E) leads to better bonding, especially when they are done in public. The stages of watching, talking, and conventional public touching form the lifelong basis of bonded faithfulness and trust.
D. Hand-to-Hand
This is not explicitly sexual at first, but will trigger awareness. The four-square inches of human skin trigger new energy. A sense of a growing friendship, but it does not require privacy. In fact, it is best not private. The public eye "cools the jets," and gives time to learn the answer to the question. Is this really a keeper relationship?
E. Arm-to-Shoulder
Not a hug, but a subtle display of ownership. The statement is Yeah, we have a little something going here. But at this stage there is no advanced focus or touch. This is a good phase to stretch out. Discover the friend and cement the friendship.
F. Arm-to-Waist
At this point the arm-to-waist draws the other closer: the bodies bump; the talk is explorative; secrets, hopes, dreams, and memories are shared.
This step is the last exit before you can get off the freeway of love without leaving skid marks (Donald Joy).
In other words, steps beyond this stage will involve much more emotional bonding and commitment so that grief work will be necessary to repair and normalize the emotions should the bond be broken. At this stage partners are wise to search their hearts for problems that may exist. If there are definite problems, the brakes need to be applied. How would integrate in the art of Bonding Bono’s words: Touch Heals and Hurt Steals?
If there are definite problems at this point, it is wise to back off. Perhaps you will have to say, "You are a good friend, but we both deserve someone who can dream our dreams with us.” light contact, extended conversation, and communication are the basis of strong sexuality in its more advanced phases.
G. Face-to-Face
This is the gazing stage: sitting across from each other gazing at each other, all secrets are out, the focus is on the eyes. The couple reads each other's mind--or so they think!
This step is not the conventional peck on the cheek, the floating kiss in the air. This is the first step of sexually stimulating courting. Restraint needs to be the priority if the bonding is to proceed to full attachment.
H. Hand-to-Head
A person's head is a very intimate part of their anatomy.
I. Hand-to-Body
In this step, knowledge of the body excludes the genitals. There is an admiration for the body of the beloved- even the defects. One becomes aware of the shape of the hands, body curves, the crooked toes, and the birthmark. Satisfaction and peace with the body of the partner appear here. Personal attraction is essential to a complete bonding. Personal attraction is more that physical attraction, but not less.
When a relationship breaks at this stage, the hurt is deep and intense. The exposure, the vulnerability, knowledge, and intense acceptance and understanding of the partner's imperfections have come at great emotional cost.
19. Would you agree with the following statement regarding sexual intimacy (breast touching, mouth-breast contact and genital communication)?
Any sexual contact that does not have a long, strong, deep foundation in the primary six stages will be less than the kind of intimacy possible, desirable, and ultimate.
20. According to EFT theory what is the key element (s) to bonding?
a) Trust
b) Availability
c) Accessibility
d) Responsiveness
e) All the Above
Self - Counseling Project (II)
How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
As your relationship with a romantic interest has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to this odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine if the relationship is what's taking it away, and put an end to the destructive cycle.
Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship healthy, or is it toxic? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began:
Are you enjoying elevated esteem from your friends, or are they looking at you sideways? Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your beloved's name comes up? While stressed relationships with others aren't a sure sign of an unhealthy romance, red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried.
Do you find yourself straying from your path? If you're a religious person, are you doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do? If you're a straight-A student, are your grades slipping? Have all the goals and dreams that previously defined you all of a sudden been pushed toward the back burner for no apparent reason?
Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you put an ugly face out to the world since you got together?
Recognize your blindness to his/her faults. Infatuation isn't a bad thing. It is necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first few months or years of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the new significant other.
Do you find yourself apologizing for/explaining their behavior? Finding reasons to excuse it? "Oh, they had a rough breakup with someone before me... you can understand..." If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.
Notice that your plans are continually overturned in favor of theirs. You go to pick them up, thinking you're going to see "The Wizard of Oz" at the art theater. But by the time you're halfway through dinner (at the other end of town, their selection of restaurant), they have talked you into seeing "The Fast & The Furious" at the theater next door to the restaurant they chose, instead. More and more, you discover that you're not keeping any of the dates you chose. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what they want. And heaven help you if you planned to have dinner with friends of yours at 7pm. They won't get into the shower until 6:50, and you'll be calling to apologize, and hanging everyone up while they all wait. For them. 'Cause, sweetie, it's ALL about THEM.
Remember that manipulation is when they get you to do something you really wish you hadn't. This person likes getting you outside your comfort zone, because then s/he's pulling the strings, getting one over on you.
Look for subtle establishment of control over time. It doesn't happen obviously, suddenly, or overnight. Controlling, manipulative people are often very insecure. That's why they have the compulsion to control others - they simply don't trust anyone but themselves. They will invest weeks or months in 'training' you to accept and carry out their will:
Do they treat your friends and family disrespectfully? Rudely?
Are you realizing it's just become easier NOT to spend time with people you've loved for years?
Have all of YOUR past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new mate, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of the world you have always known means this person has just made themselves the center of your universe, and has no competition for your attention.
Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new friend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But they said something different... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what they heard could have actually been true? That's a big red flag.
When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what THEY said, and what your friends say. It may save you from disaster later.
Keep your support system. Cutting you off from your support systems helps them gain dominance over you. And you think it's YOUR decision. Controlling people treat YOUR friends with disrespect, but when alone with you, they never say a bad word about them - it makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand them, etc. When you find yourself saying, "But, you don't KNOW them like I do..." that's a bad sign. It's much easier to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and you have no one but them to turn to.
Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your new-found love is protective of you, that's sweet. If they're bizarrely, overly protective, it's scary. Consider whether they constantly offer to make the trip to the market or to the post office in order to keep you from going out alone. Do they question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Get angry about it? Disbelieve you when you say that person is just a friend or work colleague? Do they later apologize, saying they just "love you too much"? And then, do they "woo" or "court" you again with flattery and presents? Bad news. Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again.
Be careful of shallow apologies and promises to do better in the future. They do something that is totally unacceptable then ask your forgiveness, tell you they realize they are wrong and promise to change. This is a hard thing to see as they are so very convincing but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested and at this point they may even pretend to want your help to change.
Beware of the "backhanded compliment". They will say things like, "Gosh, it's a good thing you're so attractive" (implies that you are stupid or incompetent) or "It's a good thing you're with me - who else could put up with your mistakes?" (same). At first blush, it seems sweet and funny. But they will drill this idea into you over and over - that you should consider yourself very lucky to have someone like them, who will love you despite the fact that you have NO positive attributes, talents, and apparently, the IQ of a head of lettuce. Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems sweet, but they want you to believe that nobody BUT them will ever love you again. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence and you will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and they're the best you can hope for.
Application
Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike? Ask yourself, "Is my (for example) dad right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - my new guy?" And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new romance, give more weight to the negative opinion.
Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do. In some cases, they've been cheating on you for some time, or even have asked you to become involved in a menage a trois, or something of the like. But still, when you've had enough, they pitch a freaker as if they've been cut to the bone by your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.
Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like them to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to see them any more. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. They won't recognize themselves. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.
Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share (they will rejoice when you tell them you're through).
Speaking of bitter, resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!
Go out with your friends, your family, and alone. Re-establish ties with all those things and people you left behind while your judgment was clouded.
Warnings
Controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them; the best help you can give them is to (A) refuse to be their victim, and (B) direct them to professional help.
If they show up at your door after you've broken it off, don't open it if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to them (not recommended) but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.
Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end. Cutting them off forces them to move on or get help.
Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors, and report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous. But don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it's violated.
Things You'll Need
- Support from family or friends. Don't let yourself become isolated.
- Will power to resist the temptation to be kind (just let them go)
- Brutally honest self-appraisal
- Forgiveness of yourself